And then, out of nowhere, I saw myself from the outside, looking in. Do you know what I saw? A LYING LIAR, that's what. Someone who desperately wanted control, but only managed to hold onto something superficially resembling it. In my attempts to put my life on lock down, I had careened out of the stratosphere. I had become an adult physically, but my emotional development was retarded. On the outside, I was a wife and mother in her early twenties. But on the inside, I had never matured past the age of 12.
I know it can be difficult, even after one has seen themselves for what they really are, to change. It can be nearly impossible, really, because not only do we come to rely on behaviors and habits, but we also tend to shy away from incredibly difficult internal conflict. It's why the word denial was created. But a funny thing happened when it finally clicked - when I finally saw what I had become. I ran from it like I was scared. And frankly, I was scared. Scared of becoming like my mother, or like all of the other degenerate bottom-feeders who lie to get through life.
I stopped avoiding the truth. That was my first goal. I knew why I had been furiously clutching rose-colored glasses to my eyes. Childhood can really fuck a person up, and it's a lot easier to pretend everything is great and swell than to face a truth we know will bring us to our knees. But finally addressing reality was exactly what I needed to begin my journey, for lack of a less cliched phrase. Self-acceptance is a long, winding road, and honesty with oneself is the first step. Fact.
This newfound honesty was both refreshing and disarming. In the beginning, you just want to keep lying. Almost more than before. Where it once felt like habit, it now felt like an addiction. But I could also see what my truths were constructing. I was slowly building a foundation. Of control. In my effort to rid myself of dishonesty, I had discovered a secret to self-control. When you don't have lies to hide behind, you begin to avoid dangerous situations. Because in a dangerous situation (speaking in very broad terms here), the truth will often earn consequences. We are not perfect, and mistakes will be made. If we put ourselves in safe situations, and surround ourselves with people who will accept our mistakes and move on, only asking that we learn from them, honesty becomes the easier option. I like easy options.
Of course, just as one would expect, after forcing myself long enough to tell the truth no matter what, I stopped trying. It just came naturally. And I breathed a humongous sigh of relief, because between you, me, and the rest of the interwebs, I was starting to worry that I didn't have it in me. That I came from a LYING LIAR and would only ever be a LYING LIAR. But I'm not. I'm just me, and that's the truth.
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