knot comes loose

By a certain age, or at least by adulthood, one understands what it means to consummate a marriage. What eludes most of us is that when a marriage ends, the single life will eventually need to be consummated. And it’s possible, probable even, that there are others who feel as I do: the first fuck is truly the shutting of one door and opening of another. It’s questionable whether those who have been unfaithful in their unions feel the same deepness of impact as those of us with clean records, but I suppose they probably do.

Whether it be a random hookup, a regular booty call, or a new relationship; they really all mean the same thing: THE END and THE BEGINNING.

For myself, it’s been an incredibly exhilarating ride. It’s a good possibility that because I was so young when I married, letting loose, exploring options, and encountering the pleasures of the single life is tantamount to my continuing evolution. It definitely feels that way.

I feel new, and I feel older, if that’s allowed. It’s incredibly tricky balancing it - the constant need to be frugal/cautious/weary, always warring with this deep need for social contact and physical proximity to others. I want to keep my children safe, comfortable, and happy. I want to flirtdrinksmokefucklaughplay.

I’m fascinated with the concept of what I’ve done to myself. My head is screaming sometimes, “HOW COULD YOU?” And really, how could I? How could I waste 10 YEARS simply trying? What an exhausting trip it’s been, and my battle wounds are plentiful. Yes, I “heart” my children. They are the most important beings on this earth. But when I look around, I know I’ve missed so much. I can’t help but feel regret for what I never had.

One of the best tricks I’ve learned over the years, and one that any self-respecting grown-ass adult knows, is that accepting what’s presented to you by life and rolling with the punches is one of the most valuable skills you can have. Mellowing out and DEALing are finely honed skills for some of us.

So I’ll quietly say a prayer for those lost opportunities, and put a pretty smile on my face. Then I’ll continue to explore new avenues and experiences, and any flirtdrinksmokefucklaughplaying which might or might not occur will be something to enjoy.

And always, always remember: CHOOSING A LIFE PARTNER AT 16 IS STUPID. REPEAT: ST-U-PID. Don’t do it. Fundamentally, as humans, we change. We evolve and develop our personas and keep finding new things out about ourselves. Not only that, but we also mature at different rates. So the husband or wife you thought you knew 12 years ago is now a total stranger.

Oh, the humanity.