As soon as I thought the words in my head, I knew them to be true. 'You can't re-write history'. Nope. It's an impossibility. Is that what I've been trying to do? To live vicariously? To change my past and my future?
I refuse to believe it's as simple as that. That my ambitions are only cover-up for my longings. No. Like I said, it's not that simple. It's more than that. It has to be.
My brain tells me that it's more. My brain says it's something close to passion. That I admire what I long for, and so can't help but desire that sameness. But still, and I hate to broken record here, it's not that simple.
Which came first, chicken or egg? Or, in my case, desire or admiration? Do I admire them as a result of my envy? Or do I envy them for achieving what I cannot? Both. Of course and always.
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